To All the Ones I've Judged Before

I am a goody two shoes. It's been  character trait of mine for as long as I can remember, but I think I really started developing into Miss GTS in middle school - 7th grade maybe. That's the time frame that I remember first being aware of other people and of differences that we have. I remember wanting to have the best clothes and the best hair and being friends with all of the other "best" people. For some reason it was so important to me - like it made me someone special. I was a pretty good student and actually loved to learn. Save a few reprimands for talking in class, late or missing homework, or something like that, I rarely got into trouble. Teachers loved me and I loved them. I'm sure I was pretty annoying to most of the kids around me.

Something else happened around that time - I found Jesus religion. In actuality, I had been baptized a few years before that, but again, around the 7th grade is where my memories of becoming active in youth group and church is strongest. And that's when instead of just being Miss Goody Two Shoes, I won the coveted title of Miss Holier than Thou.

 I wasn't promiscuous, I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't get into the trouble that most teenagers in a small town get in to. In fact, I distinctly remember an incident where I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his friends and they decided to roll some one's yard - something I had NEVER done.These days rolling a yard is kind of a thing to indicate that you are liked but then, it was still something you did to people you weren't quite fond of, or people you wanted to make fun of. Anyway, I didn't know this is what they were going to do and when I figured it out, I started crying and I insisted they take me home.

Because they were rolling some one's yard. *sigh* 

But you know what? I wasn't all that great of a person - I judged. I judged those kids who would go to youth but would cuss in the halls (hypocrites).  I judged that group of kids who I knew drank and liked to party on the weekends (heathens. I am so much better than them) I judged those girls who I *thought* slept around (True love waits. They are tarnished and I am not so I am so much better than them). Oh, I didn't do it intentionally or out of malice for anyone. I thought what I was doing was in the name of the Lord. I was navigating my journey to be the "best Christian ever" by the "thou shalt not" verses in stead of the  "love thy neighbor" and "judge not" ones.
But it didn't stop there. Even after high school - through college and after I carried this attitude with me, even though I was NOT the goody two shoes I once was. There were a few things that I swore I would NEVER do and I continued on silently judging and criticizing my way through life. I judged the girls who got married and stayed at home (I'm leaving this little town and getting an education, I am so much better than them)... the girls who got pregnant before they got married? (That's what they get for being irresponsible. They are going to be miserable. I am so much better than them) and the couples that got divorced (they didn't try hard enough...they didn't have God in their relationship.. they got married too soon - I will never get a divorce I am so much better than that).........

And...now, here I am. Here I am going through something that others have gone through before me. Here I am as a Christian who struggled so very very much with the breakdown of my marriage and the decision to get a divorce.I struggle with it every.single.day. I struggle with  what my precious God thinks and how sorry I am that I broke this covenant that we made before Him. I struggle with how to handle the relationship with my ex - someone that I still care so much about. I struggle with how to continue loving his family and how to handle holidays and what to do with the taxes this year and how to handle the bills and how to change my name and what to do with the wedding pictures and how to split the furniture and how to not miss my dog and how and when to start dating again and ........what will everybody think?

"I don't want to be judged. Oh, please, don't let them judge me". It's what kept me from opening up to anyone for so long about our struggles. Part of what kept me from telling anyone other than my closest friends and family. I would see these posts on Facebook - you know the Marriage Works ones? I would see them and I would cry or my heart would flutter and I would think - I can't put this out there. Everyone will know that I have failed as a woman, a wife, and as a Christian. 

Once I started to open up and people began to realize what was going on, a few old friends and classmates contacted me -
"I'm sorry you are going through this"
"I know how you feel. I just went through the same thing"
"If you'd like to talk I'm here"
"I know what you are going through and it's so tough. If you need anything I'm here"

These sweet, kind words came from people that had been through this before me. Some of them were people that I judged previously for things they had been through and now they were reaching out to me! They were not judging as I did - they were offering me encouragement. What a testament! What an eye opening moment for me.

Thankfully, I have some amazing people around me. I was able to realize that we had done everything that we could to fix what was broken. I was able to gather peace that my God loves me still and with Him and the help of these amazing people around me, I will get through this. But most importantly, I realized this: I am no where near better than ANYONE else. That's not what being a Christian is about. Should we as Christians turn our heads at things that are truly against God's ways and just ignore them? No, of course not. But what we should NOT do is put ourselves above anyone else simply because we have chosen to follow Jesus and they have not. Or believe that there is some sort of award for the Christian with the least sins committed. We all have different ways of getting into our valleys and of getting out of them, but at some point, we all face them. We all have similar fears and insecurities and we all have enough to worry about without caring what other people think of us.
So, please let me say this to all the ones I have judged before...
I AM SO SORRY AND I LOVE YOU. 
I see things so differently now and I am so ashamed of some of my past thoughts and actions.

And this:
 I cuss sometimes when I don't even mean to - I like to drink sometimes and I have been involved in a raucous party or two - I understand how emotions and feelings can take over common sense - it really could have happened to so many people, they just didn't get "caught" - I am so proud and amazed that you were able to be an amazing wife and mom and get your degree and make such a profound impact on that little town you live in - I don't know how you do it being a single mom you are amazing! - I bet you guys tried as hard as you can to make it work. I am so sorry that it didn't...God loves you and so do I.






~Until a later day sweet friends
Christy